Sirius Musings
by WolfandVampire
Summary: Takes place during Order of the Phoenix, when Sirius, Lupin, and Moody see Molly dealing with the Boggart in the drawing room, showing a dead Harry. Sirius's thoughts on Harry and dying. ONE SHOT! COMPLETE!


**Summary: **Takes place during Order of the Phoenix, when Sirius, Lupin, and Moody see Molly dealing with the Boggart in the drawing room, showing a dead Harry. Sirius's thoughts. ONE SHOT.

**Disclaimer: **The place and the characters are not mine. They belong to JK Rowling. I promise to put them back when I am done with them. Also, I have a few spots where the lines are from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. They are not mine either. They belong to JK Rowling, and can be found on pages 174 – 177 of the American paperback version.

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**Sirius Musings**

(Sirius's POV)

Molly had just headed upstairs to deal with the boggart in the writing desk in the drawing room. I glanced around the kitchen, where the Weasley children, Hermione, and Harry were enjoying their last night before returning to Hogwarts. I fought back a sigh. Tomorrow, Harry would be boarding the train to go back to Hogwarts, and I'd be alone. Again.

I tried to shake the thought out of my head. I was happy Harry got off. Of course I was. He was fifteen, he was suppose to be in school. Wasn't it my job as his Godfather to make sure nothing got in the way of his education? Lily certainly would have made sure Harry's education was her first priority…well, maybe second, after Harry's safety. And James…James would have wanted Harry at Hogwarts, not sitting in the house all day, with me, because he was expelled. I was being stupid. Hogwarts was where Harry belonged. It was where he was suppose to be this year, next year, and the year after that. I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of Harry getting the education he needed, that he deserved…not even my desire to have him around for company. He could come visit me during Christmas, maybe…and maybe Dumbledore would let Harry spend his summers here, rather than returning to the Dursley's…or at least, part of his summers.

I shook my head to clear me of the thoughts, and saw Harry in a corner of the room, with Moody. He was showing him something.

"What's that you got there, Mad-Eye?"

Moody turned towards me and showed me what he had been showing Harry.

"Thought Potter might find this interesting." Moody growled, showing me. It was a picture. After looking at it carefully, I realized it was a picture of the First Order of the Phoenix. I saw James and Lily smiling and waving up at me in the picture. I fought back tears as I looked down on them. They were so happy. They had no idea they wouldn't live to see the end of the war…or live to watch their son grow up. My eyes rest on James. He and Harry were so much alike, not just in looks, but in spirit. I realized what Molly had said the first night Harry arrived might have some truth behind it. Did I mix Harry up with James in my mind? Not intentionally, of course, but…did I still do it?

Moody's growl cut through my thoughts, "We better get up to the drawing room. That boggart is causing Molly real trouble."

Lupin got up and headed upstairs to help out. I decided to go as well. I heard Moody's wooden leg clicking behind me as he followed us. We were almost to the drawing room when we could hear Molly sobbing. Lupin and I looked at each other, before both breaking out into a run.

"Mrs. Weasley, just get out of here!" Harry was yelling at her, "Let someone else – "

"What's going on?" Lupin asked, reaching the room with Moody and myself right behind him.

I looked around the room. Harry was standing a bit back from Molly, who was kneeling on the floor, sobbing over Harry's dead body.

Everything inside me froze as I looked at Harry. Not the real Harry, but the boggart Harry…the dead Harry. He looked perfectly normal, except for the fact that he was obviously dead. The boggart had turned into Harry being killed, because that was Molly's worst fear…or one of them, anyway. I was sure Arthur and her children had all been laying dead before her before Harry's body. Remus stepped forward, and banished the boggart. He then went to comfort Molly.

"Oh – oh – oh!" Molly gulped, and sobbed harder. Lupin quickly began to comfort her.

"Molly, it was just a boggart," he said soothingly, patting her on the back as she clung to him, sobbing, "Just a stupid boggart…"

"I see them d-d-dead all the time!" Molly moaned, "All the t-t-time! I d-d-dream about it!"

The conversation between Molly and Lupin kept cutting in and out as my attention kept shifting between them and the spot on the carpet where the boggart had pretended to be my dead godson. Even knowing it hadn't really been Harry who was dead, knowing that it had been a boggart, I still felt myself beginning to shut down. Because not only was Harry's death Molly's biggest fear, it was mine as well. I tried to look away from the spot on the carpet, but I couldn't do it. It was like I was paralyzed.

"I'm just s-s-so worried, half of the f-f-family's in the Order, it'll b-b-be a miracle if we all come through this…and P-P-Percy's not talking to us…what if something happens and we had never m-m-made up? And what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed? Who's g-g-going to look after Ron and Ginny?"

If Harry died…he was the only connection to James that I had left. If Harry died, it would be like losing James all over again.

And just like that, it was as if the fourteen years since James and Lily died hadn't happened, as if it was the same night. All the pain came rushing back to me. I could barely breath. I could barely focus. I had to keep from screaming out in agony. James wad dead…and Lily….and for all I knew, Harry was dead…I had to go to their house, I had to see them…I had to know…

I blinked a few times, and I was back in the drawing room. Harry wasn't dead, and he wasn't a baby. He was very much alive and well, and he was fifteen. I could feel my knees shaking with relief, and I was sure that it was only sheer determination that kept me from collapsing to them. I needed to say something, or else I was going to lose it.

"Don't worry about Percy." I said suddenly, "He'll come round. It's a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology."

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Molly eventually calmed down, and went to bed. Slowly, the house emptied until it was just those who were staying in the house, and they all slowly trickled off to bed. Finally, I decided to head to bed myself.

As I lay on my bed, I couldn't get the image of Harry's body laying dead on the floor of the drawing room out of my head. Voldemort was after Harry, he was the primary target for him. Harry's death was highly likely before this war was over. I didn't think I could survive it. I barely survived James' death, the only thing that kept me going was Harry. With Harry gone…sure, I'd still have Remus, and he was still one of my best friends from school, but would Remus be enough to keep me living? I wasn't sure.

I didn't sleep for hours. Every time I tried, Harry's body appeared in the front of my mind, and I shot awake again. I really did love Harry. He was so much like his father, but I loved him for who he was. He was more than my godson, he was like my own flesh and blood. More so than any of my biological family had been.

I wouldn't survive it if Harry died before I did. I wouldn't survive it because it would mean I failed. I failed James and Lily when I told them to make Wormtail Secret-Keeper, and because of that mistake, they died. I would never let harm come to Harry if I could help it. I would die for him in a heartbeat. If Harry died before me, that would be my fault. Harry would be dead because I failed him. Just like I failed James.

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**What do you think? This pretty much wrote itself. I just re-read Chapter 9 of Order of the Phoenix, opened a Word Document, and started typing.**


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